Flowers for the dead

It was the perfect day to take a drive in the country, get out of the city. So I got on my car and drove without any precise destination, just enjoying the view as the landscape became less and less familiar. I ran into a small graveyard with beautiful sculptures. Something made me stop and check it out. As I walked to it, I ran into an old lady carrying a withered bunch of flowers. I didn't see anybody else but her. She looked almost as old as some of the tombstones on the graveyard. She walked towards me and said: "Flowers? Flowers for the dead? I thanked her and told her I didn't know anyone in the graveyard, that I was just passing by. She said again: "You need flowers. Flowers for the dead". I tried to explain to her again that I had no use for the flowers, since none of these people were familiar to me. She just gave me a smile, the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and said, "not for them, just for you" and pointed at something behind me. I turned around and saw my car smashed against a big tree on a curve right in front of the graveyard. I looked back at her and took the flower she was handing to me. The flower for the dead.

Peripheral Vision

Allergy season is in. Year after year, the same story. My eyes get itchy and my nose and ears get totally clogged. Nothing seems to work. I was so bored with it, that at this point, I would try anything. It is so noticeable, that last week when I was walking along a small street in Chinatown, looking for a dumplings place I've heard about, an old chinese man stopped me and asked me:
"you want allergy out?'
I asked him what he meant by that, to which he just replied:
"I give you allergy out"
At this point, I was willing to try anything. So I said yes to the old man. He went back into his rundown store and came back out with a small bottle.
"Put one drop in ears, one drop in nose. Close nose and blow. You be happy"
I took the bottle and asked him how much but he refused to receive any money.
That night when I got home, I got undressed and the bottle fell off my pants' pocket. I had totally forgotten about it. I was a bit skeptical, but decided to try it. I applied a drop in each one of my nostrils and a drop in my ears, covered my nose with two fingers and blew.
And then it happened...
My eyes were closed, as they always are when you blow your nose. Before I could open them again, I felt a strange sensation inside of my head. A warm tingling. It felt as if my eyes were rolling back into my head. Suddenly my ears popped, they were no longer clogged. I opened my eyes but what I saw disoriented me: I no longer saw the cabinet mirror in front of me. I was looking at the shower and the toilet, which were at opposite ends of the long bathroom.
I slowly turned my head around and saw myself in the mirror: I could see the right side of my head, my right ear, and in it, my right eye peeking out of the tiny ear hole. I turned the other way and saw exactly the same on the opposite side. My eyeballs had rolled all the way back to my ear canal.
I still could see perfectly. It took me a couple of minutes to get used to this, but I could see perfectly. I had a bit of a problem with perspective, but other than that, it was fine. I tried covering my nose again and this time instead of blowing I sucked the air in. I felt the same tingling sensation and my eyes rolled back to their original place.
I was happy. Not only my allergies were gone, but I had also learned to control my peripheral vision like nobody else.

...And then I sneezed.

runaway balls

Yesterday was a particularly hot day. After having a long serving of cold tea, I got on the subway to come back home. The ride took much longer than expected, since the train stopped for almost 20 minutes in the middle of the dark, humid tunnel. In that period of time, the cold tea made his way through my digestive system and was ready to be discarded. The minutes went by very, very slowly. I could feel each one of the 60 seconds of every minute in my urethra. When we finally got to my stop, I raced home and once there, towards the bathroom, to relieve myself.
This is when something very strange happened. The liquid came from me with such a power that my penis and scrotum were pushed away from my body, right onto the floor. I was paralyzed there, just looking down at them, when they suddenly began to move: the penis got up from the floor and using the scrotum like little legs, they began to give baby steps. It took me a while to react to what was happening. i looked down and my body was totally smooth where my penis once stood. Meanwhile, it had began running around trying to escape from me, the scrotum moving faster and faster, like 2 tiny baby feet. I followed them all over the apartment, but they were fast. I always though my penis was sneaky and had a mind of its own, but never like this: it jumped up on the kitchen cabinet and looked down at me, showing me those tiny lips that now seemed to be smiling at me, mocking me. When I tried to jump up and catch them, they jumped on top of my head, bouncing down to the floor. I ran after them, trying to cut them off in this frantic race. At one point, they even began spouting some slime which made the chase very slippery, making me slide and fall a couple of times. I finally cornered them in the bedroom. The 2 little sacks were moving one way and the other but they were trapped. I finally had them! I jumped on top of them with all my body weight. It was then when I felt the incredible pain. So painful, that I passed out.
When I opened my eyes, about 20 minutes later, we were back to normal. All together, all attached.
That's why I don't drink ice cold tea anymore.

The mosquitoes life-cycle

It's been very rainy this summer. And naturally, with the rain, mosquitos come. They don't come as loud as my neighbor from the top floor, but they do. I think Walgreens has something to do with this. Because they were having a sale on mosquitoes repellent today. So I went to buy some. I needed the mosquitoes to see I was taking some actions and retreat their yearly attack. Latisha, the cashier at the Walgreens saw me buying all these products and gave me advise. I think she turned out to be some sort of scientist who just moonlights as a low-income cashier for some extravagant reason. Anyway, she told me she never got bitten by mosquitoes and that what I was buying was totally useless. I decided to study her from head to toe, trying to follow her example. My friends, at this point, I was desperate. So I went on to repel the mosquitos the Latisha way: I stormed out of the store. My first stop was Kentucky Fried Chicken, where i stuffed some drumsticks in my pockets, extra crispy. Then, i went next door and ironed out my hair, applying some sort of industrial strength gooey stuff to hold it in place. I proceeded to apply 10 3-inch long plastic nails with the story of gansta-rap painted on them , from its glory days back in the 80s to Mary J Blige. My middle finger, the one we usually use to flip someone off was dedicated to Puff Daddy. Anyway, I got home, hoping this would be the end to mosquito bytes. And surprise, it worked. Thank you Latisha.
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no-fee

i am sitting here writing words that nobody will read because they are meaningless and empty. I just came from the gym, where I rode a bicycle that did not go anywhere because it was stationary. I turned on the tv and watched a program that was a waste of time because it was reality tv. I had a snack that was not the snack that i wanted, just a snack with no taste or pleasure because it was supposed to be good for me. I got a call from a person but it didn't lead to anything because it was an unsolicited telemarketer... But it was human, it was warm, it was alive at the other end of the line. I got aroused. The more the voice informed me about the advantages of low interest credit cards, the more excited i got. When that soft , robotic voice told me about 6.5 interest rate, i started to touch myself. I was able to reach climax when I was informed about the one year with no fee special offer. I had to decline the offer. I had soiled myself. I had lost interest. I was empty, alone and sticky... but happy, thanks to Discovery Card.

ketchup and coca-cola

i am sitting here and it's very quiet. Suddenly I hear a low, mumbling noise. It's the sound of my toe nails growing. I reach for the bottle of ketchup, I know that's gonna help. But there is a problem, this ketchup is made from synthetic tomatoes. The plastic ones that gather dust on displays of restaurants, along with tiny black dots that are actually droppings from flies. The same flies that you can see on the corner of the deli display, dead. So this ketchup won't help me. I bought it by mistake thinking it was organic. I hear another noise, this time a bit different. It's a long, hissing noise. Now it's my hair growing one whole inch. It must be the coca-cola. coca-cola is a registered mark. But so should I. People all over the world have coca-colas. very few people can have me. So in a way, I am more of a registered mark that they are. I hear the noise again, this time it was a sudden, blunt noise. I look down and realize it was a tiny drop of sweat coming from deep in the back of my right knee. The reverse knee or the eenk. That's how I'm going to call that part of my body now, the eenk. It's my body, it's been had by a lot of people, but it still manages to remain mine. It's funny that I hear all these noises because they are not happening. But i do like the taste of snot. Many people won't admit to it, but for me snot brings the comforting memories of a good cry when I was a kid. I'm gonna try it with a bit of ketchup, and wash it down with coca-cola. Hopefully the noises will end.